I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
