so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
