I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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