Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
