I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
