Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
