Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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