my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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