I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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