she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
