My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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