My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All I want is dick and wine.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
