"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
