im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
