Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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