My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
