my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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