Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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