he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
