also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
