About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
