there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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