Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
