you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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