I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
