I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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