Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
