I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
