Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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