it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
