that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
