i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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