my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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