she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
