Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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