I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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