I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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