So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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