why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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