I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
