I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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