Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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