like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
