Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
