You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
