I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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