I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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