i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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