Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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