i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
