I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam đ
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
how do you say âi know we havenât hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other dayâ without coming on too strong
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